b a c k b u r n e r

 " i gave my all to you but unfortunately, it wasn't enough."

***

" Tell me you don't want to leave. Say I'm enough to make you stay. I know it's not true, but please just say it."

I plead, my eyes, puffy red from crying, staring at your panting body. You sit on the floor, holding my hands, face buried deep in my thighs.

" I'm so so sorry, A. I just, I can't "

"Your eyes can be so cruel.." 

I lifted your face and looked into your eyes, they had no sympathy, they were cold and dead. Yes, you were also crying but could you care less about me? Was I nothing to you?

"You- you said we would keep trying! Please don't leave me again," I cry even harder.

You tighten your hold before cupping my face on your hands. You wiped my tears and traced my eyebrows before pecking my lips softly.

" I hurt you badly these past three years, Adelaide. If I hadn't done it last night, you won't ever leave me. You said it yourself, love. You deserved better than me. "

" But, I don't want another person! I want you! Jehezkiel, Jesus Christ, I only want you! " I shook my head and felt the breath stuck in my throat before letting out another painful cry.

During our three years of relationship, you were the only person I could see my future with. You built me a home and painted all my dreams to life. I would even jump in front of a flying bullet for you.

You were my first everything and I had no regrets when I chose to leave my childhood house to move in with you, just after six months of dating. We both met on a dating app, both just got out from their previous relationship, and no one would expect you to respond to my random invite for cuddles and deep talks.

Months later, I was in our kitchen, cutting chicken and you were next to me, stir-frying white rice with Saori, a weird spice you claimed was great for our tastebud. Months later, we were suddenly moving boxes into our first apartment, laughing cause we were pretty sure we didn't know which box was which.

I had you and it was enough for me. My family is a mess and when you introduced me to yours, and there, it felt like home for me. Your siblings adore me, meanwhile, your mom treated me like I was her own. Since then, my world has revolved around you and my newly founded family.

Which is why, when I came home last night and you seemed off, I knew right away. I just never thought that seeing a woman on our bed would be the reason why. I kept crying, cursing the woman god-damn existent, and she did nothing. She pretended like she didn't hear my breath hitched and she didn't hear me crying. You had to take me to the guest bedroom for me to finally calm down. You had to pull exactly six minutes before I came back to our empty apartment, with a note from the woman, claiming she was offended by whatever I was cursing earlier and had no intention of hooking up with you anymore. 

I lost that night, Jehezkiel.

I had my world crumble in split seconds that day, I no longer remember the words tante Keke told me last night. She lied. She told me you only loved me and I was your home, but for fuck sake, this is not love, isn't it, Kiel?

"I'm sorry I'm not the shade of her, I'm sorry I didn't make your heart leap out of your chest like she did and I'm sorry because although you already have me, you've already moved houses and yet home is not her and not me." I sniff, still holding tightly to your hands.

" No. It wasn't like that. I don't know Del, don't you think our love has become toxic? I slept with her just to see if I miss you, if I still love you " Your black orbs stare back to mine, and I can see confusion written all over it.

" If you still love me? God damnit, Kiel! God damnit! Do three years mean nothing?! Did you flip a switch?! You slept with her just to see if you still love me?! What the fuck was that?! "

" We are not good for each other, Del! I hurt you and then you went all hell even crazier on me! It's like you don't want to be apart from me! Like every single second of my life, I have to spend with you! It's like you're going to vanish into thin air if I'm not with you! It's sickening! And the fact that my mom loves you, hell, that made me feel like I was being forced by my family to be with you! "

"Oh. I'm crazy Aldi Jehezkiel? Don't you want to ask yourself how did you treat me these past three years? That's not fair! You drew stars around my scars and now I'm bleeding! And don't you dare bring your family to this! They trusted me because they wanted to connect to you! You're the one who brought me home to them! "

Silence hung in the air after that. You were too stunned to speak and I was too sad to even defend my pride.

"We should just sell this place and live on our own. We should spend time with ourselves. I don't think it's the right time for us to stay together, right now. "

Your voice was raspy, signaling that you were not even sure with what you were saying but I know better than to beg. Instead, I wiped my tears and nodded.

" We'll give it three days. Three days and we have to be out of this place. "

You squeezed my hands, and I tried to hold myself from crying even more. We're ending it right now. This one is not like our previous fights. This time, it's raw. This time we're saying goodbye to everything we dreamed of.

" Guess there won't be Kagiri Ezekia and Rhea Olivia, huh? "

You smile faintly and right that moment, I know that I'm on my own now. There was before you, and there was during you, but for some reasons, I never thought that there will be an after you.

***

may the earth hugs you with it's kindness, Jehezkiel. Mahal kita.