b e t t e r m a n

 

doc: elly, 2023.

" i just miss you, and i wish you were a better man"

***

'' We should buy this gallon of apple juice. Look, it even has a cute Lion as a logo! "

Adel chuckled and rolled her eyes. 

" What? I'm telling you, this is what we need. "

" If you keep up with the impulsive buying, we'll end up with a five-hundred-dollar bill at the cashier.  Besides, we're tight on money, Kiel. I don't think we need it that much. We got your favorite strawberry milk, remember? "

Adel keeps on walking and pushing the trolley in front of her. They are doing their first grocery shopping after a month of living together. They're currently living in Kiel's pavilion house and Adel is settling in wonderfully. Her family still trying to contact her after she abruptly left her childhood house in the middle of the night a month ago, but she knew for sure her parents despised her at this point.

" Dele! Wait for me, babe!  "

Kiel ran a little, grinning widely, before putting the gallon inside the trolley. 

" Kiel, I thought we agreed on this kind of act you're doing "

Adel groans as Kiel slung his arm on her, before kissing the side of her head.

" We'll find a way. We can't be stingy when it comes to our food and daily needs. "

She sighs and continues checking off the grocery list on her phone. Adel adores Kiel but sometimes she's surprised that they managed to survive this far. Adel sometimes thinks that Kiel didn't realize that his DJ paychecks barely cover all their needs. Adel is still jobless after she resigned from her ex's law firm and her side job as an English Course and Law Teacher still hasn't blown up as she wanted it to be. 

They have nothing yet, for her it's all good. She has him and it's enough.

 ***

" If we move there, we should buy a new apartment. We can buy a new car. Oh, and hear me out, it's a two-bedroom apartment. So your sister can visit us! "

Your voice was so chirpy. We were in the middle of a night ride, just got back from your job promotion interview, in which we had to move across the continents to a new city, both foreign to us.

" Whose name gonna be on the paper? "

I asked unsurely. This is a new chapter for us. We were so used to my nomad jobs, we moved often and we were just fine renting space for us. But now, I quit my job and let go of everything to be with you. We are saying goodbye to renting places and opening a new part where we are going to buy an apartment. A permanent stay.

" Yours of course! The car, the apartment, love, it's going to be under your name, so you know that I'm serious about doing this. That if I left, I got nothing with me. I lose everything, including you. "

I smiled a little that night. You kiss the back of my hand that was wrapped around you, before speeding up towards our home.

***

" Adel? You didn't touch your food. Are you okay? "

Elly's voice shook me up. Now, I'm sitting at our apartment, well i mean my apartment, cross-legged on the floor, eating Chinese pork noodles while video-calling my best friend, who's a thousand miles away from me. Everything's changed since you left.

" I should've sold this place, Elly. Why did I choose to stay here, haunted by every single version of me and Kiel? "

" Adela, we've talked about this..."

" I'm so fed up with the shadow of him, all around here, Elly. I washed up my plate and I thought of him. I was doing the laundry and his t-shirt popped up on the dryer. I watched Harry Potter and I could still hear his laughter filling up the air every time I quoted Hermione Granger. It's sickening. "

" Adela. Just go home. You could move back to your old place, and you will be fine again. "

" It's so lonely here. I hated it. "

I sighed before ending the call with Elly. She hates seeing me cry, Kiel. You wouldn't know that would you? It's been two months since we ended things. Your name still got mentioned randomly and sometimes our friends told me that they saw you went on a date with different women. I didn't bother to ask you tho. I've been trying to bury everything about you ever since. But sometimes, the thought of us haunts me.

Is it like that with you? How do you replace me so quickly? How do you move on so easily?

When I'm with you, I'm always obsessed with the word 'unconditional' when it comes to describing my love to you because it feels like there are no conditions for to me listen to you, there are no conditions to support you, I don't expect anything of you, I love you without conditions because you're you and that's all that matters to me. I'm unconditionally in love with you and it's still wasn't enough.

People say that " absence makes the heart grow fonder " But, why? Why does this happen? Whenever I think about you, it feels like my soul has been crushed. When I look at pictures of us in the living room, my heart breaks. Absence does make the heart grow fonder, that I know, but why does my heart hurt so much? You broke me, and you also forgot that when you left, you left everything we ever dreamed of.

Why can't everything be enough for you? I fucking go to hell and back for you, Kiel. I did everything I could for you. for us. I wish it was as easy for you to love me as it was to use me. I wish it was as easy to forget you as it was to love you. Why can't I be enough for you?

It's sad because if you were a better man, we might still be in love. We would've been the one if you were a better man.